Churches, churches everywhere

I am a huge fan of church names. And when I say fan, I mean that sometimes there is no better form of entertainment that running through a list of some of the more off-the-wall titles.
I am not simply referring to the denominational identification a church takes and puts on the front door. I am also referring to the full, sometimes overly descriptive name that a church has. This name can contain factors ranging from the name of the place in which the church resides to the point of the Gospel that the church is trying to get across.
There are many church names that have done more than just tickle my funny bone over the years. Some have outright ripped down any wall of politeness I thought I had and made me guffaw at their mention. Some I have visited, while others I have only heard about. Yet all have that necessary little something that makes them worthy of a special file in the recesses of my mind.
In Washington sits a church called Puyallup United Methodist Church. This is certainly a place where those of us that are down need to visit. In Missouri stands Half Way Baptist Church. Half way between what points I am not entirely sure, but at least you know you are making progress when you are Half Way. Staying in Missouri, around Gore Springs, is Black Jack Missionary Baptist Church. I hear it may be customary to put $21 in the offering plate every Sunday (or at least an Ace and a face card).
In Louisville, Kentucky is the Original Church of God, with Pastor A. Jones. I thought the original church of God was somewhere in the Middle East, but maybe I was wrong. You might also think that the Original Church of God would be led by someone with a more original name, like Bugaboo Garfinklestein. Heading up to Maryland you will find the Boring United Methodist Church. They probably figured that in setting the bar so low, a congregant would never be disappointed. There is also the First Haitian Free Methodist Church. Depending on how you read it you might think Haitians don’t attend. Or if they do, they are Free Haitians, which is very nice. Also, does the church have some sort of certificate showing that they are the first?
If you can make it out to North Dakota you will find the Devils Lake United Methodist Church. They must really believe in the old adage of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. Pennsylvania is home to the Weedville Church, which I understand is very popular among the younger crowd. Torch United Methodist Church is in Ohio and is never, ever to be read as a directive. Rappers delight in Yoe Christ Church in Pennsylvania, while unrepentant jailbirds may find solace in Crooksville First United Methodist Church of western Ohio. And for those that just can’t decide there is the Flippin Church of God in Arkansas.
If you head out West (and even in some places in the East), you are likely to run into the Cowboy Church. Hat, boots and horses are not required, but encouraged. In Clearwater, Florida is a church that calls itself the Church-By-The-Sea. This is a beautiful name, but technically inaccurate, as if one is in Clearwater they are on the Gulf of Mexico. I guess Church-By-The-Gulf-Of-Mexico doesn’t have the same ring to it.
For those that prefer their church to represent itself specifically, The Church of I Am that I Am stands ready. House of God, Incorporated would be perfect for those with their MBA, and the “Exciting” Singing Hills Baptist Church is ready for those that want to stay upbeat. Granted if the hills are truly singing, it’s bound to be exciting. Finally, my personal favorite is the So Help Me God Church of Christ which provides C.R.A.C.K. House Ministries. C.R.A.C.K. stands for Christ Resurrects After Crack Kills. It doesn’t get much better than that.
While all of these churches listed are real, there are some that I would love to see come into existence. The Church-By-The-Sea should branch out and plant another church, this one called the Church-In-The-Sea, with Pastor Davey Jones. It would be wonderful for passing cruise ships or the occasional man overboard that finds himself just floating there on Sunday morning. For the more analytically minded there would be the Church of Perpetual Motion (Reformed). There would need to be no friction for this church to survive. The Church of the F-450 could easily grow out of the Cowboy Church. Just with a much bigger parking lot.
When it comes to joining a church, denominational differences tend to get in the way for many people. These people need to have a specific denomination attached to a church before they will even consider joining. And when choosing one, there is a list as long as your arm to decide from. There’s Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Anglican, Anabaptist, Pentecostal, Apostolic, AME, Eastern Orthodox and many others. Under each of these denominations are a slew of more specified branches, ranging from the Armenian Catholic Church to the Confessional Evangelical Lutheran Conference to the Wesleyan Reform Union Methodist. Just reading the list qualifies as a full aerobic workout.
The New Testament churches didn’t suffer from the same naming needs which identify 21rst century churches. Those first century churches were very much to the point and probably better off for it. In Acts, we see the church formation. The New Testament Greek word from which the English word “church” is derived is “ekklesia”, which most literally means an assembly of persons who meet together for a common purpose. This group had a most uncommon purpose which was spreading the truth of Jesus Christ.
Like many churches today, this first “ekklesia” was mocked almost immediately. On the Day of Pentecost, when many of the members began to speak other languages thanks to the Holy Spirit, some hearing them mocked them and claimed they were drunk (Acts 2:13). Now I have been in contact with many inebriated people, and have never known someone fluent only in English to suddenly start blurting out German as if they were the Chancellor. I have had some foreign friends whose English mysteriously improves when they have a few drinks, and some friends who for some reason like to talk with a British accent afterwards. But never have I seen outright new language capabilities. As an aside, I also find Peter’s defense against these accusations markedly culturally appropriate - for the time. He basically states in Acts 2:15 that they couldn’t be drunk because it is too early in the day. If one used that defense today, I am certain a smart aleck in the crowd would shout out “Well, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere!”
The New Testament churches had simple names. These names were to the point and unmistakable. First was the Church in Acts, which was basically the Church. Later there was the Church in Ephesus, the Church in Smyrna, the Church in Sardis, the Church in Philadelphia and so on. It was where they were, and that was it. I think of all the church names, I would like mine to be simply called Church. Church may not be as fancy or attention getting as some other names, but it is simple and to the point. Some might question Church and ask it to be defined more specifically so that it could be categorized appropriately. “What exactly do you believe at Church?” they might say. “What are your customs? Your traditions? What do you dress like when you go there? Who gives the message? What does the person giving the message wear? Do you kneel? Do you sing? Do you sing contemporary or just classic hymns? How long are your services? Do you collect offerings? Do you have communion? Is it on the first Sunday or the fourth Sunday after the full moon and before a rooster has laid an egg on a pointed roof?”
All are good questions, I suppose. But at Church, we are simple and to the point. We know that The Bible shows Gods eternal plan, from the beginning of creation to the end of recorded time. It shows that Jesus was fully man and fully God, and that He is eternal. We know that Jesus is the only way for man to be saved in God’s eternal plan, and that in The End Christ is victorious. The Holy Spirit indwells the believer, and we can go directly to Christ with our prayers, petitions and praises. As for the other questions people will throw at Church, well, I just can’t answer those immediately. I’ll just have to wait until I have a catchy name.